


Song of the Fireflies

by volleyball_crow



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: And Fails Miserably, BALL IS NOT LIFE, Because of Reasons, Gen, Tsukishima will be proud of you, be strong and say no to the Round God, do not worship the Round God, this fic attempts to understand Tsukishima, written mostly between 4 and 6 AM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 07:03:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7424785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/volleyball_crow/pseuds/volleyball_crow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is something very obvious that somehow all of Tsukishima's acquaintances seem to fail to understand: volleyball is not life. <i>Volleyball is <b>not</b> life.</i></p><p>(or: life and the world according to Tsukishima, and why you should not bother too much with either)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Song of the Fireflies

 

The Parasaurolophos figurine Tsukishima has is defective. It won’t stand up. He doesn’t really remember how he got it—likely a gift from someone at one point in his childhood—but it probably was not standing by itself on the shelf when it was chosen and bought.

Every morning before leaving his room, Tsukishima picks up the defective figurine and tries to make it stand up on its own. And every morning, the damn thing will hobble in place for a second and then fall flat on its face and then to the side.

Not that Tsukishima has spent much time looking at it, but there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with its paws. Damn dinosaur just won't stand up. It's mildly aggravating.

Still. Every morning before school, Tsukishima picks it up, carefully sets it back down on its two back paws and tail, and watches it fail to stand. As far as weird morning habits go, he figures this one is not too bad.

**

_Where did I go wrong?_

"Tsukki! Are you alright?! Tsukki!" Yamaguchi is squeaking from somewhere next to him. Tsukishima has told him a thousand times that the squeaking is damn annoying, but when does Yamaguchi ever listen?

And anyway, Tsukishima has bigger worries at the moment. He is—get this—reconsidering his life choices. It is not often that Tsukishima questions his life choices. In fact, he can safely say that he’s never done it before. Big decisions are a pain, but Tsukishima goes about them with seriousness. Tsukishima is not impulsive. He is not hot-blooded and rash. He always researches, ponders, and tries to choose the best option. His methods have not failed him so far, so he hasn’t really had much opportunity to even _consider_ regretting past decisions.

Yamaguchi says he thinks too much, and Akiteru agrees. Whenever they gang up on him about this, Tsukishima reminds them of the Great Incident of the Roller Coaster, which had been entirely their fault for being impulsive dumbasses, and they quickly shut up. Tsukishima’s not going to listen to advice about thinking too much from people who clearly don’t think _enough._

But all of this means that Tsukishima is unfamiliar with this uncertain feeling, the one that comes with questioning one’s life choices. He finds it’s uncomfortable, mostly because it’s a retrospective thing, and there’s not much to be done about things once you can think retrospectively about them.

Anyway, for Tsukishima, this moment happens shortly after he joins Karasuno and he is on his back on the gym floor, feeling like his head has just split in half. And he can't breathe under the posterior end of the red-haired menace also known as Hinata Shouyou.

"Get. _OFF_. Me," he snarls, muffled by the clothing that is also getting in his nostrils.

"YOU IDIOT, HINATA, YOU DUMBASS!" Kageyama is already screeching.

"Hinata, oi, you're crushing Tsukishima!" Grabbing Hinata, Tanaka-san comes to the rescue, and succeeds only in hurting Tsukishima further. Judging by the maniacal laugh as well as the fact that Tanaka-san seems to actually be _pushing_ Hinata, and possibly about to jump on top of the two of them, rescue is not exactly what he has in mind after all. At this rate, Tsukishima's face is going to be one big friction burn, and that'll be the least of his problems if his nose doesn't survive the ordeal.

In his enthusiasm, Hinata had jumped at a ball meant for Tsukishima. Because idiocy seems to bring untold levels of complexity to Hinata's every motion, Tsukishima had crashed to the floor on his back, which kicked the air out of his lungs, and ended with Hinata triumphantly landing on Tsukishima's face.

Ignoring Hinata’s attempts to get up and away from his mischievous hands, Tanaka-san laughs and pulls Hinata’s ankle, who crashes forward once again. "You’re so small, how do you have so many legs, just get up already—"  Hinata flails, giggling a little ("Tanaka-san, unfair! I can get up if you let me!") and his shirt rubs painfully against Tsukishima’s nose. He throws a weak punch to Hinata’s ribs and gets an indignant squawk for his troubles.

Meanwhile Kageyama seems to have approached and starts unhelpfully pulling on Hinata by the neck, which predictably only makes Hinata struggle to free himself instead of leading to the very desired result of getting-up-and-off-of-Tsukishima.

And then Tanaka-san’s attempts at "helping" finally succeed in getting someone’s knee to kick Tsukishima’s ribs, and he wheezes out whatever air was still left in his lungs. At Tsukishima’s pained sound, Yamaguchi finally stops flailing in distress on the sidelines to try something a little more helpful. "Senpai, I don’t think—" And then the rough t-shirt is blessedly taken away but there’s an elbow in Tsukishima’s face, because _of course there is_. "Ouch, that hurt even me…" Yamaguchi mutters, perhaps thinking it low enough not to be heard.

Tsukishima aches and wonders if maybe he shouldn't have come to Karasuno.

**

Such a thought had never occurred to him before. Up till that moment, despite all the little annoyances, Karasuno hasn’t been so unexpectedly awful as to make Tsukishima consider throwing everything away and dragging himself and Yamaguchi to another school.

Kageyama and Hinata, annoying as they could be, were within his expectations. So were their too-energetic senpai. After all, there are irritating people everywhere and nothing can be done about it.

How _much_ these guys in particular irritate him, now. That had been unexpected.

The idiot duo annoy him from the moment he meets them. They do it so effortlessly—irritating Tsukishima, that is—it _must_ be a gift.

Hinata is annoying, but it’s not a new kind of annoying. Tsukishima has always been surrounded by ridiculously enthusiastic and invested people, so that kind of thing is… baseline annoying, if you will. Hinata goes beyond that in proportion to how loud he gets, and it’s only a little. All in all, tolerable, especially if maintained at a distance.

But combined with Kageyama, they rise to new heights of unbearable.

Tsukishima’s first impression of Kageyama is one of arrogance and self-centeredness, and it is almost immediately confirmed once they actually meet face to face.

**

He and Yamaguchi are going home when they stumble upon what looks like Kitagawa Daiichi’s Kageyama and some shrimpy guy, probably the other student that wants to join the team. Tsukishima has an idea of what Kageyama Tobio is like, but contact is the only way to get confirmation. So he heads in their direction, with Yamaguchi following close behind as always.

Really, he should have known better.

The troublesome nature of their fellow first years is soon proved when the shorter one faces Tsukishima with burning eyes and says, "Tomorrow— WE DEFINITELY WON'T LOSE!"

Not just the bossy and ridiculously talented King of the Court, but also another fiery, bull-headed type. Tsukishima feels a pressing urge to rub his temples. Sunset was almost an hour ago, and they’re still here playing volleyball, all fired up about playing and joining the team and _ugh_.

They’re just bringing too much energy into it. Tsukishima offering to throw the match shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, really. They could even interpret it as generosity if they liked.

However, as expected of an idiot, Kageyama responds with a fiery glare. "Whether you throw the game or go all out, the fact that I'm going to win won't change."

The nerve. The sheer arrogance. The _baseless confidence_. Like no factors other than himself and his own talent counts. Tsukishima looks at him and all he sees is a stupid kid that hasn’t learned a thing, not a thing, after what he went through.

The shrimpy one will probably have to face reality soon enough, but this stupid King is so talented, he might still get quite far despite everything. How irritating.

Tsukishima will be glad to take him down a peg or two.

"Haha, that's some confidence. As expected of a _king._ " Tsukishima laughs, throwing the word out with ease to see what happens.

And _there_ , there it is. It's so fast and quickly suppressed it could be easily missed, but Tsukishima notices the way Kageyama’s body shakes, and his glare goes from fire to lava in a second, confirming the rumours. "Oh! So it is true." He really _does_ hate his King of the Court nickname. He probably doesn’t fully understand it, but he hates it with a passion. How quaint.

But Kageyama still won't back down, and Tsukishima still isn't satisfied. Kageyama still doesn’t get it? Tsukishima will explain. In excruciating detail. "I watched the prefecture preliminary tournament. That kind of egocentric toss… I can’t believe your teammates tolerated it. I certainly wouldn’t. Ah! I guess what happened..." He wants to see this arrogant guy face the truth and have it _really_ sink in. So Tsukishima will dig the knife a little deeper, because he was there, at the final match, and he knows, and if it hurts, Tsukishima wants to see. "...was because they couldn’t tolerate it any more, either." _Couldn’t tolerate_ you.

It works like a charm.

Kageyama throws himself at Tsukishima, grabbing him by the shirt, and the sheer _hatred_ emanating from that glower is everything Tsukishima could have asked for.

Or not. Tsukishima is thrilled that he's won, but that’s just a little part of it. It would only be truly satisfying if Kageyama actually understood, all of it, both what had happened before and what Tsukishima is saying now, and he changed accordingly. But there’s not a glimmer of that in Kageyama’s face.

Kageyama just seems to understand that he has no way to defend himself. So he lets Tsukishima go and walks away in silence.  

The shorter first-year seems surprised when Kageyama grabs his jacket and snaps, "We're done here," as he beats a hasty retreat.

And there goes the best setter of their year in the country.

Pathetic.

**

If there’s one thing Tsukishima can’t handle, it’s stupidity—and back then, it took a particular kind of stupid for Kageyama not to understand his own problem. Or is self-centeredness something that works despite whatever intelligence an individual might have, so they can’t see the obvious? Kageyama does not top his class when it comes to test scores and Tsukishima enjoys pointing that out every now and then, but Kageyama couldn’t be an outstanding setter if he was irredeemably stupid.

Anyway, these days Kageyama seems to have finally understood. Hasn’t helped much, though. His arrogance, single-mindedness, and habits from his Royal Highness times still remain. Tsukishima takes great delight in taking him down a few more pegs at every opportunity. Mild humiliation is good for the ego. Kageyama should thank him, honestly.

But, to give credit where credit is due, Karasuno in general and Hinata in particular seem to have managed the superhuman feat of getting the right idea through Kageyama’s thick skull. Kageyama has graduated to being mostly tolerable a lot of the time.

And Kageyama is actually adjusting to the hitters now. Hinata somehow managed to perform a miracle. But then, Hinata has the single-minded focus of a dog with a bone when it comes to volleyball, and with Kageyama, everything is about volleyball. It was like an immovable object meeting an unstoppable force, and the unstoppable force won.

Which, if Tsukishima thinks about it, is a very Hinata thing.

**

Tsukishima could let it go. He could... but he’s hit close to the wound, and maybe if he hits hard enough Kageyama will figure it out. Well, that, and provoking people is a _little_ fun. "Running away? The King isn't such a big deal after all, huh..." That gets him no reaction, so Tsukishima goes for a final statement. "In tomorrow's match, we'll win against your highness and—"

And that's the first moment Hinata Shouyou really shows how troublesome he is. Suddenly the ball is out of Tsukishima’s reach, because that guy jumped and grabbed it from ABOVE Tsukishima. _Above_. He's barely winded, and he clearly did it with ease.

What is up with this insane jumping power? Is he a rabbit? Is it possible to have springs for legs?

And the kid follows it up with a roar of defiance. "Shut up with all that king and your highness stuff. I'M HERE TOO! I'm gonna hit the ball above that head of yours in tomorrow's match!"

And that... that pisses Tsukishima off. Who the hell does this rude shorty think he is? And what the _hell_ is up with that jumping power? And not just that, who just runs up and jumps in someone’s face and just start yelling like this as if it’s any of his business? _What the fuck._ Tsukishima isn’t often one for physical violence, but he’s definitely feeling the urge to grab the kid’s neck and _shake_ him.

The King of the Court, and some guy with insane athletic ability. And they’re both the fiery sports idiots type. The arrogant, I’m-oh-so-good-I’m-definitely-going-to-win type. Argument with the captain or not, they’re both going to get in the volleyball team. Of course they are, as if anyone would pass up on their talent just because they don’t like their attitude.

Tsukishima looks down at fierce brown eyes and has a few intense seconds of fantasizing about burning Karasuno to the ground and forgetting he ever stepped into this school.

But, no. No. He has to calm down. There’s no point in getting worked up over it, after all. Why bother? Getting any more annoyed than this just isn’t worth it.

So Tsukishima calls forth a grin with practiced ease, tries to smooth things back down. "Don't be so angry. Let's be fair, have fun, and not go overboard." Okay, so maybe he’s not easing up much, but he tried. A little. "It's just club activities after all."

Which gets the expected answer of, "What do you mean, _it's just club activities?"_ in such an offended tone that it's like Tsukishima has uttered the foulest of blasphemies.

Really, he should have known.  

**

The day they hand in their club application forms, Yamaguchi is in an unusually good mood as they go home.

"You’re too excited about this," Tsukishima says, frowning down at him, willing him to stop.

"B-but it’s Karasuno! We get to play volleyball at _Karasuno_ , Tsukki!" Yamaguchi protests weakly. There’s a thin undertone of _isn’t this freaking amazing?!_ to it, and the only reason he doesn’t say it outright is probably because he knows Tsukishima would say _no, it really isn’t_.

**

There is something very obvious that somehow all of Tsukishima's acquaintances seem to fail to understand: volleyball is _not_ life. _Volleyball is not life_.

A sport is most definitely not suited as a lens through which to view the world and one's place in it. Look at Azumane-san and Nishinoya-san. Look at Kageyama and that business at Kitagawa Daiichi—now _that_ had been a mess. Clearly, volleyball as a life philosophy just doesn’t work.

The people around Tsukishima either fail to grasp this concept or just really don’t care. Hinata and Kageyama fall into the first category; most others seem to be in the second. Why people as level-headed and apparently normal as Daichi-san and Sugawara-san would adhere to the Volleyball is Life cult, Tsukishima doesn’t understand. He accepts it, because all the volleyball players surrounding him are the same and there’s no point trying to fight it, but he doesn’t understand.

It’s very irritating that these volleyball idiots look at Tsukishima like _he’s_ the alien whenever it becomes more apparent that Tsukishima does not, in fact, worship the Round God. It’s incredibly annoying that they seem to to think they have the right to judge Tsukishima. Honestly.

And people wonder why Tsukishima’s temper is as short as it is. The _shit_ he puts up with on a daily basis, they really should be glad it isn’t any worse.

**

Back to his current predicament, Tsukishima is lying down on the gym floor, feeling the cold hardness under him relax his overworked muscles, eyes trained on a particularly interesting bit of the ceiling. His moment of existential contemplation is interrupted by two sweaty faces invading his field of vision and obstructing his view of said bit of interesting ceiling. Rude.

The two hooligans above him smile, all teeth.

"C'mon, Tsukishimaaa! How long are you going to keep lying there?" Tanaka-san laughs, like he’s innocent of all the aches and pains that have been recently inflicted upon Tsukishima.

"Shouyou's tiny, he couldn't have hit you that hard!" Noya-san agrees.

Oh?

Tsukishima and Tanaka-san's eyes meet. _Don't you dare say it_ , Tanaka-san's fierce stare warns. Tsukishima feels his lips slowly elongate into a smirk that makes Tanaka-san start sweating nervously.

"Nishinoya-san..." is all Tsukishima can say of his—frankly awesome, if he says so himself—subtle stab at Nishinoya-san's height complex, before Tanaka-san is slapping a hand over his mouth and another on his shoulder and dragging him away.

"HA HA HA OH LOOK AT THE TIME, back to practice you lazy first year, this is no time for lying down!" he crows loudly as he drags Tsukishima behind him towards the net. Because of their height difference, Tsukishima's feet drag across the floor and he can't get up and walk by himself, but Tanaka-san seems to have no trouble carrying Tsukishima's weight without any help whatsoever. "If only you had half the motivation to practice as you do to pick on people..." Tanaka-san mutters as they reach Sawamura and Ennoshita-san.

It's not the first time Tsukishima has heard something similar. He's also been told that he doesn't know how to have fun. As of yet he hasn't had one person tell him both those things, which has been a damn shame, because if someone did, then Tsukishima would take tremendous joy in telling them that picking on irritating people is _incredibly fun._

There's just something about having the perfect line right under his tongue and delivering it at just the right moment to devastating effect. It's _very_ satisfying.

Yamaguchi says he has a twisted sense of humour. Tsukishima hasn't been able to refute that one yet.

Interestingly, Yamaguchi isn't exactly bothered by it. It’s actually a little hard to find anything that really bothers Yamaguchi. Tsukishima doesn't really get it, but he's not complaining. It took a while for Tsukishima to realize it, but Yamaguchi's peculiar qualities make him an ideal friend: a surprising number of things don't bother him, he's calm, he's loyal, and he doesn't talk too much or too little. Tsukishima is also self-aware enough to realize that Yamaguchi’s admiration didn’t hurt, either."

And then there are other people, like their classmates. Most of the time they'll keep their distance, which is fine. But every once in a while, one of the boys decides Tsukishima looks like he's in the mood or something and attempts to start a conversation. That is most definitely not fine and Tsukishima would really rather _not_.

Tsukishima doesn't really know what it is that occasionally makes his classmates attempt to interact with him, and if he did he'd be quite glad to stop it.  
  
This time, he's trying to relax with some music before the first class of the week starts when the classmate that sits in front of him butts in. "Tsukishima-kun," he says, all smiles and pleasing tone. Tsukishima is not impressed. "Lend me your English notes?"  
  
Tsukishima narrows his eyes at him, reminds himself to not start a classroom feud. "Is there something wrong with yours?"  
  
"Well, no," his classmate admits. "But yours are really great, right? So I could—"

"Oh, what's this? Is Tsukishima giving away his notes? I hear they're quite good. Can I have Math?"

"I am not doing anything of the sort," Tsukishima scowls. He turns up the volume and settles back on his chair, arms crossed and eyes closed. It's a clear sign that he's done with the conversation, but a common failing of non-Yamaguchi people is that they _don't take hints_.

"C'mon, now, Tsukishima-kun," the annoying leech insists. "English is hell and if I don't get better when exams come I'll be screwed!"

"Don't exaggerate. You'll fail. Not the end of the world."

"Tell that to my mother!"

"I really wouldn't mind taking a look at your Math notes, either." The second one pipes up.

"No."

"Seriously, it won't hurt a thing. I'll let you get back to your music and won't bother you again, I promise!"

A third classmate had approached in the meantime and seems to find this the perfect time to join in. "Speaking of which, what is it you're always listening to, Tsukishima?"

Turning the volume even higher wouldn't be good for his ears, but honestly Tsukishima can't hear a thing with all this noise around him.

"Western bands, probably," a fourth classmate offers.

"No, no, clearly Tsukishima is totally all about rock."

Have they _all_ been pondering what kind of music Tsukishima prefers? Is this a thing?

Yamaguchi looks vaguely annoyed and opens his mouth to say something, sees Tsukishima’s glare being directed right at him, and shuts right up before even starting. There’s a distinct set to his shoulders now, though, and oh great, now Yamaguchi’s sulking. Tsukishima resists the urge to sigh.

"J-pop…!"  

"I reeeeeally need those English notes, man..."

Tsukishima’s silence and the rigidity of his shoulders clearly doesn’t get through to them; they just keep babbling with a lot of enthusiasm at him.

The questions keep coming, rapid fire, everyone talking at the same time, and voices are starting to get raised. The discussion is getting too fired up and it’s all getting a bit too much. He can feel a vein popping on his forehead, that’s how annoyed he’s getting.

"If anyone says metal…"

"Maybe classical?"

"By the way, if you're lending your notes, can I have—?"

"What about—?"

Tsukishima ends up sharply pushing himself away from his desk, which cuts off the barrage of questions, and just leaving the room.

"Tsukki, you really can't handle people like that, huh," Yamaguchi later snickers when they meet again, blessedly alone now. Yamaguchi always thinks it's funny to see Tsukishima with his feathers ruffled. Payback for earlier. This is why Tsukishima hates it when Yamaguchi sulks.

"Shut up, Yamaguchi," because _honestly_. Zip it.

"Sorry, Tsukki!" he chirps back, not sorry in the least, because as much as Yamaguchi truly seems to look up to him, Yamaguchi also _lives_ to aggravate Tsukishima.

**

There's an abyss.

In Tsukishima's mental landscape, if he thinks about volleyball, there's plenty of space to walk around and ponder the past, check out the old trophies, so to speak. But if he advances, if he tries looking ahead, eventually he reaches an edge. The ground abruptly stops and gives way to a profound darkness without depth, going down, down, down. There is nothing ahead.

Intellectually, Tsukishima knows what to expect: practices, matches, lots of sweat and near-constant exhaustion. Seeing the gym every day, the tangled net, balls everywhere. So, pretty much the same it's always been. And continuing like this until graduation. It's not like it's _hard_ to figure out that part.

But on a... deeper level, looking at things from inside his head... there's an abyss.

Tsukishima stands on the edge, feeling little rocks get displaced by his moving around and tumbling down the rockface. Trying to see through the distance, to figure out if there's something on the other side, or just more blackness.

**

Tsukishima is not talented.

He does quite well in tests and school and the like. He’s not stupid, he’s responsible, and more importantly, he knows _how_ to study, which is perhaps the most important thing of all when it comes to school.

He has a good enough relationship with his classmates, which means he doesn’t pay much attention to them and they keep their distance for the most part without any hostilities, and that’s the best for all parties involved. All the girls that would bother him go to Yamaguchi first, so that works out pretty well. Yamaguchi already knows to discourage them because Tsukishima will just say no anyway if they try anything.

Tsukishima doesn’t have an extraordinary singing voice, but he can carry a tune just about as well as anybody and he doesn’t shame himself whenever the situation calls for it.

It’s the same with volleyball. He’s tall, he’s learned well enough how to make the technical movements, and communication with his teammates on the court is not an issue. He’s decent enough at a few things, and, again, there’s his height. So volleyball is the same as everything else: Tsukishima Kei, decent enough.

And that’s fine.

Everyone has limits, and it’s fine to accept them. There’s no point in lying to yourself and trying to reach a level that is impossible for you. There’s no real reason to kill yourself trying to fix things that don’t need fixing, especially if it’s for something as irrelevant as club activities. No matter how high you climb, you’ll always find there’s someone way ahead of you, who has reached so much higher and faster than you that all your efforts are clearly obsolete.

**

Years later, after high school and volleyball and everything is over, Tsukishima will happen to run into Oikawa from Aoba Johsai, and Tsukishima will try very hard not to have a deep conversation about their wild sportsy days.

"There's always someone better," Tsukishima will find himself saying anyway.

"Yeah," Oikawa-san will agree, pushing his stylish sunglasses up his nose, " _Fuck_ that guy."

**

Tsukishima accepts his limits, but other people seem to find fault with his acceptance. To them, it’s _absolutely_ unacceptable.  

And yet when Tsukishima looks at them, trying and trying and trying to improve, they just look like desperate little ants trying to become giants. Or something. Bottom line is, it’s futile, meaningless, and humiliating. Tsukishima doesn’t really want to be like that. Fighting a fight he knows he’s going to lose is as stupid as it is demeaning and he wants no part in such a thing.

He does sometimes think he’d like to understand them, at least a little, so that everything would start making sense.

Another thing about this that doesn’t make sense: there’s a little part of him that feels a little bad about it. He doesn’t understand these people, because the way they behave is illogical, and he doesn’t want to be like them, because it would just be pathetic, but a tiny part of himself is slightly bothered by it. Some people can make that little corner flare up sometimes.

Ukai-san's eyes, when Tsukishima happens to meet them, are focused on him, weighing, judging. Trying to figure him out. Tsukishima can read Ukai-san's questions easily there: _is this guy worth it? How much do I want to bet on him? Why is he here?_

Tsukishima has no answers.

If there was ever a reason he kept playing volleyball, he's forgotten it. Something about being tall? A "might as well" kind of feeling? There must have been a more concrete sort of reason. There _must_ be a reason he keeps coming to practice every day.  

Maybe he just doesn’t want to be completely bored. Something like that.

From the other side of the gym, Ukai-san looks Tsukishima up and down again, getting the measure of him and finding him lacking. Too bad. This is all he has to offer so it'll have to do. And if it doesn't, they're free to kick him off of the team. Ukai-san frowns to himself, and Tsukishima fights to contain a smirk. Not that they are going to. For the moment, Tsukishima's height is still enough to make up for his  lack of raw talent and interest.

There really is something to be said about being born talentless but with just the right characteristics for something.

Until someone who is actually good comes along, they’ll keep using Tsukishima. Until volleyball starts being completely boring, Tsukishima will oblige.

**

First night at the training camp, and Tsukishima is exhausted. He wants a shower, snacks, and a few moments alone with his music and that new game he downloaded to his phone, and then he wants sleep. That's what he wants. He'd also appreciate less of an abundance of idiocy in his general vicinity, but he's not holding out much hope for that.

He's so sceptical, in fact, that it doesn't surprise him in the least when he's dragged into the 3rd gym by Nekoma and Fukurodani's captains, through the power of sheer irritation.

Annoy him, yes. But it doesn't surprise him.

**

The end result is that, not only is Tsukishima dragged into practicing more, but they even go to the trouble of pointing out all the ways he’s doing things wrong or could be doing them better. Tsukishima should have known, really.

Eventually, Bokuto-san calls for a break, and then he turns to face Tsukishima from the other side of the net. His piercing gaze goes up and down as he stares assessingly, hand on his chin. He has a rather unusual eye colour, which makes being the focus of such intensity all the more unsettling. To his left, Akaashi-san waits quietly.

"Y’know, this isn’t doing much for me, at all," is what Bokuto-san says eventually, almost pouting. Tsukishima narrows his eyes, irritation suddenly spiking, but he immediately pushes it back and remains silent. "Kurooooo, aren’t you done with Lev already?"

"Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san’s responsibilities don’t actually include practicing with you, his own teammates take priority."

"But Akaashi—!"

Fortunately for Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san hits one last ball to Lev—who dives forward, but not fast enough, and doesn’t head to right, which is the wrong choice, and crashes to the floor without touching the ball—and approaches the net. "Nah, we could use a short break, actually."

From the Lev-shaped ruin of a volleyball player on the floor emanates a low moan that sounds vaguely like "oh thank you god".

Kuroo-san stops next to Tsukishima, and his smirk  is all teeth. "And anyway, what I was seeing here was making me want a moment with your first year victim— I mean, helper…"

"Victim is certainly not a wrong term for it. Bokuto-san can be almost too enthusiastic," Akaashi-san is quick to point out. He bows his head slightly to Tsukishima. "My apologies, Tsukishima-kun."

"AKAASHI!" Bokuto-san whines, but allows Akaashi-san to drag him to the water bottles with no resistance, leaving Tsukishima and Kuroo-san alone by the net.

Kuroo-san claps his hands, calling Tsukishima’s attention back to him and his vaguely worrisome smirk. "So! Okay, I just wanted to just point out some things." He lifts a finger and shakes it pointedly in Tsukishima’s direction. "Your basics? _Suck_. Really need some work there."

"Yeah! That’s it! I noticed that too!" comes the ever cheerful chirp from Bokuto-san from all the way over by the wall.

That is not surprising, but still rather vexing to hear. "I suppose," Tsukishima replies calmly. He focuses on the returning Fukurodani pair and plays with his fingers, which helps keep the annoyance out of his voice and face. Kuroo-san is right, after all.

"He’s not really blocking so much as, I don’t know," Bokuto-san gestures fiercely while still holding his opened water bottle and splashes water everywhere until Akaashi-san grabs his wrist, "just being there or something!"

It’s true that Bokuto-san’s spikes had been getting through Tsukishima more often than not, but hearing it put like this is just humiliating.

But then, it’s Tsukishima, and one of the top 5 spikers in the country. Expecting anything else but humiliation would have been stupid.

"Uh-huh," Kuroo-san says as he stalks through the 3 meter zone to stand beside Tsukishima. "So maybe we’ll start from the very beginning? Weight on the front of your feet," he starts instructing, assuming the position himself as he explains, "on your toes, bend your knees sligh—"

"Kuroo-san. This is the basic position, I know at least that much." Tsukishima wants to point out that he has been playing since _middle school_. That he may not be a genius, but that he’s not an ignorant beginner either.

But he can’t think of a way to tell them so without sounding like a petulant child, so he remains quiet.

"So impatient, Tsukishima-kun!" Kuroo-san smirks, looking more delighted than annoyed for being interrupted.

"Youngsters these days!" Bokuto-san laughs from other side of the net, though it quickly turns into a whine about _being no fun_ with a cutting comment from Akaashi-san.

Kuroo-san is quick to return to his coaching. "Okay, so. Basic position, careful with the net, don't cross your feet. Ever. I'll hit you with a funny-smelling shoe if you do."

"What."

" _What_ , it worked on Bokuto."

Tsukishima blinks. His eyes find Akaashi-san on the other side of the net, who nods back, unperturbable. "It did."  

"You got that? I meant it about the feet. You don’t always do it but I caught you crossing them a few times." Bokuto-san is nodding fiercely along with Kuroo-san’s words.

Tsukishima wants to stop and get some sleep. Instead, he nods a confirmation at Kuroo-san, who nods back and takes a few steps away from the net. "Alright. Show me again how you do the steps to join a wing spiker for a double block."

Tsukishima does.

"You're doing this weird side-step when you start, don't do that. Turn to the side completely and step forward. Keep your eyes on the ball, obviously. Then—ugh, explaining is weird, I'll show you."

Kuroo-san demonstrates how to do it correctly, then has Tsukishima do it exactly as he’d been shown. It may not look very different to the undiscerning eye, but Tsukishima certainly feels the difference in the surety of his motions and the speed of the entire move, and from the other side of the net he sees even Bokuto-san nod approvingly.

They keep going like that for a while, with Bokuto-san sometimes taking over to offer some explanations as well, and the occasional comment from Akaashi-san. They go back to spike and block practice, eventually switch to spike and defense practice for a few balls, then return to spike and block again.

But Tsukishima is really craving some rest and quiet, and he’s impatient to get this done and over with. Extra practice is just so _unnecessary_ , it’s frustrating to have to be overexerting himself for nothing. But these are senpai. Not much to be done.

It could be worse. Kuroo-san is a good teacher, Bokuto-san is loud and energetic but surprisingly the most willing of the three to talk things out—if with some occasional odd sounds ("And then you go all _GWAH!_ and hit it.") in the mix, and Akaashi-san is mostly quiet but his occasional comments are to the point and very effective once obeyed.

But then it does get worse.

The thing is, Kuroo-san is the kind of astute person that easily reads other people, and it seems to serve him well in his role as captain. His fondness for poking at people to see how they react is an unfortunate side effect, or so Tsukishima had overheard Sawamura-san say. As far as Tsukishima can see, that's not wrong. Kuroo-san is quick to spot a weakness. And once he deems Tsukishima as someone in need of some criticism, it's no wonder he goes in right for the throat.

He’d finally seen a chance to get away, so he’d tried to go for it.

"You'll lose to Shrimpy-chan, you know," Kuroo-san smirks, golden eyes glinting with mischief that says, _Gotcha,_ _right where it hurts._ "You play the same position, right?"

 _It doesn't hurt,_ Tsukishima tells himself. And it doesn't. Not really.

Kuroo-san is not the first to say something similar. It's amazing how people can never resist saying things like this. Different words are used every time, but they all mean _try harder. Try harder try harder try harder. You're not trying hard enough._

Where they get all this energy, he'll never know. It's like watching people throw themselves at brick walls head first, and none of them show any signs of stopping. No, instead they pause to look at Tsukishima and ask, _Why aren't you doing the same?_

Tsukishima isn't even startled, he knows exactly how to react—tell them the truth. There is nothing that unsettles people more than hearing the blunt truth. It's like the possibility that Tsukishima's already doing as much as he possibly can hasn't even crossed their minds. But it wouldn't, right? Because to all of them, all you have to do every time is just _try harder._

No matter what. You made a mistake? Try harder. You got lost? Try harder. You don't know what to do? _Try. Harder._ Like t here's no such thing as outside interference. The fault is _always_ and _only_ in you, so you'll just have to work hard to get over it. Because all parts of you can be changed if you just _try hard enough_.

It's like none of them simpletons can _think_.

Tsukishima suddenly feels beyond tired, like he’s accidentally pushed past a limit he didn’t know he had. There’s an ache deep in his thighs and upper arms that definitely feels like it’s coming from his bones, and all of him feels incredibly heavy. If the next moment he opened his eyes he found himself in bed, that'd be perfect. But the noises around him are loud, the lights in the gym are bright, and there are other people present.

Tsukishima grabs his writhing emotions and squeezes, folds them back into place. He holds it all in with the ease of practice. His face is carefully smooth as he smiles apologetically at Kuroo-san, and even before he speaks, the smile seems to surprise both Kuroo-san and Bokuto-san. _Good,_ he thinks viciously, careful not to bare his teeth. "Well, I don't think that can be helped," he tells them easily. "The difference in talent between me and Hinata is just too great."

Admitting things like that is easy. There's a slight burn in his throat but he ignores it as he smiles. Kuroo-san has lost the smirk and just stares back at him for a second.

That's when some other Nekoma players happen to come in with perfect timing. Tsukishima can leave now.

"Well, looks like I'll be in the way, so if you'll excuse me..."

"Hey!" someone calls after him.

The fresh night air outside is a shock to his warm body when he steps outside. Something like anger pulses at his temples. He ignores it.

**

Here's how you break a person.

First, you have them unknowingly acquire a deeply seated belief. Anything is fine, any fantasy will work. The dumber, the better. And it _has_ to be deep—so deep they don't even notice it, don't know how entrenched in their flesh it is. People love lies. You'll find no resistance.

(This may sound more difficult than it is. All you really have to do is present the fiction, and your target will gobble it up. People are idiots. It doesn't take much.)

Second, you feed it. A quick indirect mention here and there, a white lie here, some innocent confirmation from a friend there. You don't have to do much, things like this tend to evolve on their own. Snowball effect. You just stand back, watch it grow, let it fester.  

(Sometimes the hidden thing they let you plant in them will shine through. In their decisions, their personality, in a proud smile, an enthusiastic talk with a friend. This shows it's going well.)

The final step: the truth. The obvious, you-should-have-seen-it-from-the-start, stupidly evident reality.

It'll be like toppling over the first domino piece in an arrangement set to fall: everything that stupid little belief ever touched, every part of their self it ever reached, any feelings it ever inspired, all of it will break into shards. There may be some other collateral damage as well. Congratulations, you have achieved your goal. The best part: it's not your fault, but _theirs_.

The truth was right there all along, they just chose not to see it.  

It's not heartbreak if it's their fault they were stupid.

**

"Tsukki... is everything alright?" Yamaguchi whispers to him after the lights are turned off and everyone goes quiet at last. Yamaguchi hadn't given any sign of noticing anything off with Tsukishima while everyone was still awake and paying attention, but Tsukishima knows from previous experience that Yamaguchi has taken one look at him and known immediately. It's either his 'good friend' side or his 'shameless fanboy' side that give him these skills, and for once Tsukishima isn't feeling very appreciative of them.

Not to mention, Tsukishima is slightly offended by the idea that Kuroo-san's earlier words affected him enough to visibly disturb him. It was a single sentence, it's already in the past, and Tsukishima gave a proper dismissive response. He's already done and over it. He's fine. He’s _fine_.

"What are you even talking about, Yamaguchi. Sleep," Tsukishima huffs and turns around to lie on his other side, and pretends he can't sense the intense worrying going on behind him as he tries to fall asleep.

**

Tsukishima wakes up all of a sudden, and there’s a foot on his face.

Honestly he’s a bit disgusted with himself that the surprising thing is not even the foot in the face. Oh no. Years of sleepovers with Yamaguchi have gotten him quite used to that.

No; what surprises him is coming face-to-face with two of his senpai and what seems like a freshly uncapped marker.

"This is not what it looks like," Nishinoya-san mumbles through the marker cap in his mouth. "I swear—"

"It’s exactly what it looks like,"  Sugawara-san says from somewhere behind Tsukishima, laughter in his voice.

"Suga-san, I thought you loved us and didn’t want us to die," Tanaka-san whines, sounding like his best friend just stabbed his dog.

"If a scrawny first year is enough to kill you, you didn’t deserve to live in the first place." Both upperclassmen’s eyes go wide as saucers, and even Tsukishima raises an eyebrow at that.

But nevermind that. He shakes that foot off of his face, which gets their attention back on him. "Were you seriously about to doodle on my face, Tanaka-san." Honestly. Tsukishima is _not_ impressed. "A little old and unimaginative, no? I thought that was the kind of prank only ten-year-olds do these days," he makes certain his smile is as smarmy as possible. He’s rewarded with a very satisfying pair of offended expressions.

Tanaka-san narrows his eyes at Tsukishima, and grabbing a fistful of his sleeping shirt starts shaking him with an unfair amount of energy this early in the morning. "Why you cheeky little—"

"You think you’re so clever! I’ll show you!" Nishinoya-san says as he throws his arms around Tsukishima’s head and attempts to… do something. Mostly he’s shaken by Tanaka-san along with Tsukishima. It quickly devolves into the three of them becoming something like a human ball and rolling around over Yamaguchi and a still-snoring Azumane-san, kicking away futons left and right and laughing uproariously. Sugawara-san shakes his head at them but makes no move no stop them, and leaves them to it with a firm, "you’re tidying it all up when you’re done."  

"NEVEEERRRRR," is Tanaka-san’s cry of defiance, from somewhere under Tsukishima’s chest.

All in all, it’s a good start for the morning.

**

Later, the quality of the day takes a rather decisive turn downwards. After breakfast, the coaches attempt to kill them all with practice once again. An interesting thing happens during one practice match—Hinata, the idiot, tries to steal a ball clearly sent to Asahi-san.  

Tsukishima watches the train wreck unfold and is briefly reminded of Nekoma's Lev and his aspirations to become a middle blocker ace. Clearly Karasuno's diminutive wonder is picking up some interesting ideas from all this socialization.

The shock spreads through Azumane-san’s face as Hinata crashes into him, but Tsukishima thinks he also catches a brief moment of indignation, a tiny and silent flicker of _How dare you?_ on his expression.  Tsukishima feels a brief second of sadistic glee. _You see the shit I have to deal with?_

Later that day he happens to find himself in a quiet corner with Asahi-san, and the question just bubbles to the surface. "Doesn't it bother you, Azumane-san?"  This question is going to be a little revealing, but he’s already started, might as well finish. He can at least try to word it so it doesn’t sound so bad. "That feeling of intense talent creeping up behind you," is the clarification that ends up leaving his mouth.

Attempt at phrasing that in a way that doesn't imply he's constantly feeling inadequate and barely able to keep up: failed. Maybe next time, Tsukishima. Way to make Yamaguchi turn his puppy eyes on you.

But anyway, it all seems to be pointless, because Azumane-san’s response is, as Tsukishima probably should have expected, totally incomprehensible to him.

One of these days someone will write a guide book on Fired Up People, and when that happens Tsukishima will count himself a very fortunate person indeed.  

**

That attempt at talking to Azumane-san seems to have triggered some flags, because later Yamaguchi brings him his water bottle and a pair of vaguely worried eyebrows.

Yamaguchi is a very honest sort of person; if he’s happy, he shows it, if he’s sad, same thing. It’s fairly easy to tell how he’s doing just by looking at his face or body language. Tsukishima really hates the idea of broadcasting his own emotions to the world like that—if it was himself doing it, it would be too much like a lack of composure, like a loss of control, and it would therefore be slightly humiliating.

Considering their rather different natures in this point, it’s quite interesting how fast Yamaguchi understood that a split-second pained expression or a moment of silence that goes on just a little bit too long are often the only signs of Tsukishima being in the process of… mulling over something. Yamaguchi calls it "sulking and thinking too much about it." Yamaguchi should zip it.

And so: water bottle. Worried eyebrows.

"Here, Tsukki!" he chirps with a frankly unnecessary amount of cheer. "I grabbed yours since I was getting mine anyway."  

Tsukishima nods his thanks as he takes it. The gyms are all stuffy and hot, not unlike ovens, and having all the doors open to let the breeze in doesn’t really help.

He busies himself with drinking, and hopes the vaguely worried eyebrows on Yamaguchi’s face won’t deepen into actually worried eyebrows, which usually precede the frown of Tsukki-I’m-starting-to-think-we-may-need-to-have-a-talk.

They never talk, because talking is just not how they work through things. Theirs is a friendship of _understanding_. But when Yamaguchi starts suspecting that there is a problem, he makes that frown, and then the careful questions come, like he’s probing around in a minefield. It’s intrusive and it’s annoying and Tsukishima does _not_ like it.

"I feel like I’m being slowly cooked in my clothes, and no one even bothered to put some sauce on me. I’m going to be a really dry meal, Tsukki."  

"That’s unfortunate." Tsukishima looks around at all the panting, sweating volleyball players. Over there Lev seems about to melt into a puddle on the floor. "Because I don’t think any of the side dishes are going to be any less dry. "  

"And how are you?"

"Fine."

"Oh, are you now. As expected of Tsukki. I bet there’s not a drop of sweat on you!" How does no one else ever seem to hear the sarcasm? Tsukishima still doesn’t get it.

"Shut up, Yamaguchi."

"Sorry, Tsukki!"  

They’re called back to participate in a match, and the vaguely worried eyebrows go away for the moment. That was close.

**

Despite all the rather annoying things, there are some moments when Tsukishima feels like this training camp business is almost worth it. Even if it’s just for the free entertainment.

"But if you have a limited number of options, doesn’t that mean your opponents can always prepare in advance to counter them? Is your only option to be faster than them?" Yachi-san is asking as she passes them water bottles.

She’s learning about the sport as she goes, and occasionally when she’s near one of them she’ll suddenly come out with a question. At first she always looked a little startled and nervous, like she’d been thinking about it quietly to herself and didn’t mean for her internal monologue to accidentally slip outside. She seems to have realized she’s not inconveniencing anyone with her questions, so now she talks to them more naturally.

She stills squeaks a little when a question slips out once again and she realizes Asahi-san is the one she’s talking to, though.

"There are a lot of possible combinations and the set ups sometimes only take fractions of seconds, it’s not that easy to predict," is all Tsukishima has to offer.

"And we also try to hide our move until the last second… huh, sometimes we only _decide_ at the last second what we’re going to do… actually, deciding in advance rarely works out. At least not immediately, we have to wait until the right situation comes along," Yamaguchi explains as he thankfully takes his bottle. He glances up at Tsukishima, who shrugs. That’s pretty much what volleyball is. Spot weaknesses, predict the moves, fake all you can, react faster than the other player. Make little to no mistakes, if at all possible.

Kageyama is looking down at his towel thoughtfully. "You have a point, Yachi-san, but there’s also the fact that coming up with new moves is… very hard… even if not a totally bad idea." He his brows. "I’ve thought about this before, but maybe Hinata could, you know, use my knee to jump higher or something?"

And because Tsukishima has no soul and would kill to see that mess happen: "That is actually a good idea. I'm surprised, King." And he snorts.

Yachi-san’s palpable bafflement is a joy to witness. Kageyama's conflicted face, trying to decide if Tsukishima is being serious or making fun of him, even more so.

There are few things more enjoyable than the King being utterly confused by Tsukishima. One of them is watching him decide that, yes, just this once, Tsukishima gave helpful advice, and nodding seriously before walking away to try it. Yamaguchi snickers, equally amused by Kageyama’s reaction, but that stops abruptly when he realizes that Kageyama is serious as he turns to look for Hinata and yells "HINATA! LET’S TRY THE KNEE THING!" as he walks away.

 _Please do_ , Tsukishima thinks as his lips curve into a smirk, and Yamaguchi looks back and forth between him and Kageyama, looking somewhat distressed.

"THE PFFFT-BWAAAH THING?!" comes the answering yell from the other side of the gym. "THE THING TANAKA-SAN SAID WAS STUPID?" Tsukishima would go so far as to say he’s delighted with the way things are headed. "OR THE THING NOYA-SAN SAID WOULD KILL US IN A HILARIOUS WAY? THAT PFFFT-BWAAAH THING?" Oh yes.

"THE WHAT NOW?" Sugawara-san shouts.

Aw. So close.

**

At dinner, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi end up sandwiched between Azumane-san and Nishinoya-san, and across from them sits a worryingly fidgety Tanaka-san. When they sit down Nishinoya-san’s eyes light up and next to Tsukishima Tanaka-san seems strangely proud. They're both eyeing Tsukishima with unusual interest.  

Oh joy.

Tsukishima tries to take refuge in his rice and chicken, to no avail.

"You know, Tsukishima," Nishinoya-san starts in what he probably thinks is a sagely and wise tone, "You should cheer up!"

Tsukishima narrows his eyes at his senpai. He tries to figure out where this came from. He fails. "Excuse me?"

"Cheer up!"

"...do I seem particularly bothered or something?"

Nishinoya-san squints at him. "Kind of?"

"And your solution... was tell me to cheer up."

Tanaka-san seems to sense the conversation going down hill and hastily takes control in an attempt to avoid its fiery demise. "It's important to remember to keep the right mentality! Brainy types like you tend to forget it more often than anyone. You should keep that in mind!"

"Right."

Tsukishima put quite some effort into that response, but it ends up coming out sounding particularly unenthusiastic. This seems to leave Nishinoya-san at a loss, and he looks at Tsukishima like he’s a particularly baffling bit of English grammar. And just like with English grammar, Nishinoya-san decides to barrel away over it like the tiny bulldozer person he is.

"Anyway! The important thing is to cheer up! Keep that smile on your face and that flame burning in your heart!"

Yamaguchi feels the need to chime in, "Tsukki doesn't smile all that much..."

"Details!" Nishinoya-san waves them away carelessly. "So don't forget what we've told you."

"Couldn't agree more, Noya-san!"

And the two roar their appreciation at each other.

Tsukishima tries to eat faster.

**

Shimizu-senpai seems to have something to say.

Because of her quiet and dignified nature, they have not interacted much—he has barely heard her say more than ten words in his presence since they met—and that probably has contributed hugely towards why she's his favourite senpai on the team. And, likely because he doesn't persistently stalk her, she seems to like him well enough.

Tanaka-san would weep if he knew. Tanaka-san needs to calm down a little.

"Tsukishima-kun," she calls when they’re leaving the cafeteria after dinner that night. Yamaguchi, a few steps ahead, stops as well and turns to look, curious.

"Shimizu-senpai," he returns, stopping to look back at her where she’s stopped by the door, the light coming from the cafeteria framing her in the dark hallway.

"I was wondering… Do you need any ice?"  

He has some aches and bruises, but nothing particularly calls for ice. When he tells her so, she nods back. There’s a brief moment of silence, like she’s hesitating. Then she very pointedly makes eye contact with Tsukishima. "If you need anything, please ask, Tsukishima-kun. Any time." She says in the most firm tone of voice he’s ever heard from her.

He blinks. "Ah, yes." And then, because he almost forgot, "Thank you, senpai."

She nods sharply at him, still strangely intense. He and Yamaguchi nod back, and she returns to the cafeteria with a quiet "goodnight" that they echo back.

Tsukishima looks at Yamaguchi, who just shrugs.

**

Next comes Sugawara-san. That's when Tsukishima starts feeling suspicious.

They're laying around panting on the ground after a morning of lost matches and a round of Refreshing Runs Up the Hill. Tsukishima would be feeling sorry for himself if he had any breath left. It feels like all the moisture in his body has emerged to the surface to coat his skin and soak through his clothes. His legs are going to kill him tomorrow.

That's when a shadow falls over him and he opens his eyes to see Sugawara-san hallowed by the sun rising behind him, and he's stretching a bottle of water towards Tsukishima. "You look like you need it."

Tsukishima murmurs his thanks as he takes the offered bottle and does his best not to gulp it down greedily like he wants to.

Sugawara-san sits next to him, idly sipping from his own bottle, making some comments about how avoiding dehydration and sunstroke is important and how Tsukishima should be careful. He looks at Tsukishima for a bit, then turns forward to watch the others. With good reason, Hinata and Kageyama seem to be arguing again and they're messing around with a hose they found, they need to be watched.

Once Tsukishima has drunk enough that he no longer feels half-desiccated and the bottle is only a quarter full, Sugawara-san's ramblings that so far had seemed to be just idle talk to fill the silence take a different turn.

"You're not pushing yourself too hard, are you?"

Tsukishima blinks. Now there's something not many people have asked him. "No."

"You sure? Because before I brought you the water you looked about ready to pass out for a second there."

Exaggeration. Is he fishing for something? "I was fine, Sugawara-san."

"Hmmm."

Tsukishima drinks some more. It's cold. It feels really nice.

"And if you weren't, would you have said so?"

"Sorry?" He was distracted, so he didn’t really catch that.

"If you weren't fine, would you have said so?" Sugawara-san repeats.

Probably? Maybe not. As long as Tsukishima wasn’t unwell enough to stop, there wouldn’t have been any point. "...Yes?" he says instead.

"Because you know you can tell us anything, right? If you need help or something." It's said with more vehemence than expected. Tsukishima senses double meanings.

"I know, Sugawara-san."

"I mean it. With anything. Your senpais are here for a reason, you know."

Because they were born a year or two earlier? "Certainly, Sugawara-san. Thank you."

"Hmmm."

**

Later, he overhears Tanaka-san and Sugawara-san.

"How did it go?" Tanaka-san is asking.

"He was very polite at me," Sugawara-san says with a sigh.

**

At this stage it has become clear that his senpai have taken it upon themselves to have… _conversations_ with Tsukishima. He doesn’t really know what point, exactly, they’re trying to make, but he has a pretty good guess.

**

The talk with Azumane-san is refreshingly short.

"So, you, huh. What you asked earlier… Um. I mean. You're pretty calm, eh, Tsukishima?"

"I like to think I'm pretty normal. But we have some noisy people constantly underfoot, so I guess I may seem calm in comparison."

"Oh. That's pretty true, isn't it..." Azumane-san laughs awkwardly and then slinks away with his tail between his legs, having apparently been robbed of his intent to have a talk within just a few words.

Tsukishima watches him go, not for the first time wondering about the mysterious ways that Azumane-san’s confidence works.

**

After a very hurried lunch, Tsukishima leaves Yamaguchi to his enthusiastic conversation with Hinata and Lev and goes look for a quiet place for some relaxing alone time.

It’s scorching hot out in the sun, but under the trees at the top of the hill the shadow is nice and there’s a gentle breeze wafting by. Tsukishima lies down behind one so that he’s not visible to anyone who comes out of the gyms.

Tsukishima sits down and pulls the headphones up from his neck and places them correctly over his ears. He chooses a light and soothing song. Then he closes his eyes, lets the music envelop him and feels all his muscles slowly relax. The ground is not the most comfortable of places, but the tree roots support him nicely on the sides and the grass smells nice. Hmmm. An actual nap starts sounding like a really good idea, so Tsukishima grabs the jersey jacket around his waist and bundles it up, and then he lies down and uses it as a pillow. He laces his fingers over his stomach and closes his eyes again, relaxing completely.

It’s the most calm he’s felt since this whole training camp business began. So of course it couldn’t last.

The breeze comes by again, and Tsukishima lets his eyes drift open to watch the leaves above him flutter, and then he freezes, his entire body going rigid, as he makes eye contact with the person up there on the branch.

Tsukishima blinks.

"Ennoshita-san…?"

One of his senpai is in a tree.

Well, he wouldn’t be surprised to catch Tanaka-san or Nishinoya-san doing such a thing, but it’s one of his _supposedly_ level-headed senpai, one of the _sane_ ones. Said senpai is now stretched out on a tree branch, arms and legs hanging down, and peering over the edge to look down at Tsukishima.

"Hi, Tsukishima!" he chirps, happy as can be. Or more like, playing it up, because Ennoshita-san thinks it’s funny. Ennoshita-san seems to find a great deal of things funny. His usual half-smile seems to say he’s laughing silently to himself,  and even his blank expressions make it clear that the entire world is desperately amusing, if incredibly exasperating, and no one else understands his pain.  

Tsukishima pulls down his headphones as he sits up and tries not to put too much judgement on his frown. "Senpai, what are you doing?"

"I climbed a tree," Ennoshita-san says and it sounds more like, _are you blind?_

"I can see that," Tsukishima replies, without an ounce of condescension in his voice because _this is his senpai,_ damnit, he’s not going to be disrespectful, "I was wondering _why_ you did that."  

Ennoshita-san hums thoughtfully. "Hmmm, well, several reasons. One, I wanted a nap. Two, I didn’t want the Noya or Tanaka, or even Kinoshita, to find me and decide to jump me, not that there’s any decision-process involved in those brains whenever those three see an opportunity, more like an immediate reflex reaction of _how much of a giant mess can I make this time_ …"  

Ah. Suddenly Tsukishima questions the wisdom of his choice of napping place.

He’s still not climbing any trees, though.

"And I thought I’d try to see what it’s like up in here. I’m working on that new movie, you know, and I wanted some high angles, so I’m studying different possibilities. Therefore, tree."  

Huh. "Fair enough."  

"Glad to have your approval," comes the amused reply.

Then settle in, letting the breeze and the rustling leaves fill the comfortable silence between them. Tsukishima waits for it. And waits. And waits.

Well he never claimed to be patient. "Ennoshita-san. Do you not happen to have anything to tell me?" Like a profound talk about our volleyball emotions. Or more specifically, Tsukishima’s lack of them. You know. Like all the other senpai seem to be having with him. Just an idea.

Up on the tree, Ennoshita-san suddenly goes very still. "Um. Noticed that, have you."

"Your words imply attempts at subtlety were involved." And Tsukishima’s smirk implies those attempts were laughable.

Ennoshita-san’s laughs and the branch he’s lying on shakes, making a few leaves flutter down. "Don’t judge them too harshly, they tried their best. It’s just… subtlety is a bit of a foreign language to them."  

"I don’t think you’ll be shocked when I say that I’m not surprised." Tsukishima somehow doubts even people in the North Pole who have never heard of Tanaka-san or Nishinoya-san don’t know about their lack of subtlety, it’s that gigantically obvious. "Well, then, Ennoshita-san, what about you? Nothing to say? Not even a little? No inspirational movie quotes?"

"Do you _want_ some inspirational movie quotes? Well, I did rewatch _Seven Samurai_ last night…"

"No, thank you."  

"Well, then, there you go."

Tsukishima blinks. That is not really what he’d been expecting. He’s not really sure why he feels like doing it, but he presses for more. "Why?"

"Why what?" Ennoshita-san says around a yawn.

"Why aren’t you trying to… talk… with me?"  

"That would be because I agree with Daichi-san."

Now that’s not an answer Tsukishima had been expecting to hear. Something along the lines of _is there any point in ever talking to you, Tsukishima_ , but not this. "Sawamura-san?"  

"Yep. He says you can handle it. Whatever it is that you’ve been chewing on, you’ll figure it out eventually, like you always do." Then he added wryly, "Besides, you’re tons smarter than me. What could _I_ possibly contribute, really."

"I see."

"At least try to deny it a little, oi!"  

Tsukishima smirks. "But if even Ennoshita-san says so, how could I argue with a senpai…"

"You think you’re cute, first year..." Ennoshita-san sighs.

Pause.

"But now that I think about it…"  

Tsukishima waits.

"It has occurred to me before that maybe you think too much, Tsukishima. Maybe that would do you good."

"What? Thinking less?"  

"Or talking to someone who doesn’t think a lot. Like Tanaka."  

It's actually amazing how Ennoshita-san just throws out insults like this so casually. "I... see."  

"You know, he actually had some trouble in his first year… I don’t know much about it, but. It could be helpful, you never know."  

"Ennoshita-san, I’m pretty sure Tanaka-san and I are exact opposites."

"Precisely." Ennoshita-san sounds smug.

**

Kinoshita-san and Narita-san come as a pair, possibly because they need the moral support, probably because they’ve been glued at the hip since the moment they met. Tsukishima isn’t very clear on the details.

But anyway they come to him and at this point he’s just curious to see how they will approach him and what they’re going to open with.

They make their move during the afternoon break, when all of Karasuno is pretty much lying around dying. Since Yamaguchi is busy trying to keep his lunch inside his stomach on Tsukishima’s left, the two second-years flop to the floor on Tsukishima’s right.

"I can’t _believe_ I volunteered for this," Kinoshita-san whines as he uses his soaked t-shirt to fan himself. Not very successfully at that.

"I don’t think... ‘volunteer’... is the right… right word for this…" Narita-san manages in between painful-sounding gasps.

"Tsukishimaaa-kuuun, tell him it’s the right word."

"I don’t think I can do that, Kinoshita-san."  

"Yamaguchiii–" a tortured sound comes from Tsukishima’s left in response. "Right, I’ll take that as a no."  

"Told you," Narita-san muttered.

"Why does the world hate me."

"Because the entire world wants to spite you. All of this, specifically for you. Aren’t you happy, Kinoshita. All this effort for your grumpy, grumpy self." And would you look at that, it seems Narita-san can sometimes be a little sarcastic. Maybe it’s the heat. Either way, Tsukishima feels a bit of kinship for a second there.

They pant at the ceiling and slowly lose the need to keep gasping for air as their heart rates return to normal. The heat in the gym is still oppressive, pressing down on them from all sides. Tsukishima feels the sweat tickle him as it rolls down his skin and he wishes that the floor was a lot cooler.

"But you know," Kinoshita-san suddenly says, breaking the moment of peace, "even though I hate moving so much in this heat, and I hate this stuffy gym, and I hate those damn hills outside, and I hate Bokuto-san’s spikes, and Kai-san’s too, and while I’m at it I hate, haaate how Nekoma can receive anything, don’t they get tired? The rallies go on FOREVER and I just want to die—"

"Yes, yes, now go back to your point,"  Narita-san interrupts him impatiently, to Tsukishima’s silent agreement.

"Ahem, well, as much as I hate a lot of this, I think I’d hate not being here a lot more." Then he adds, a little quieter, "Actually, I _know_ I would."

Next to Tsukishima, Yamaguchi suddenly tenses and goes suspiciously still.

"Hm," Narita-san nods in agreement. "It’s hard, and I’m very tired, and I kind of want to stop and rest somewhere cool for a while. But being here with everyone is fun. And volleyball is fun. And winning would probably be a lot more fun. I think."  

Tsukishima suspects he's being given existential advice. He does not like it.

Fortunately, they seem to have made their point already. "Yeah, what was winning like, again? I forget." Kinoshita-san snorts. "Must be all the refreshing runs up the hill. My memory is getting a little hazy."  

"I’m sure that’s nothing a few sets of flying falls can’t cure, Kinoshita-san," Tsukishima says as he gets to his feet. He smiles down at his senpai. "Well then, I’ll go back first."

"Already?" Kinoshita-san asks incredulously.

"Tsukki has always had great stamina," comes the proud mutter from a still exhausted Yamaguchi.

Why is _he_ bragging about it? "Yamaguchi. I assume you don’t need help getting up then."

"Tsukkiiiiiii–"

**

Later that same day, dinner is again a calmer affair than lunch only by virtue of everyone barely having enough energy to stand—with the exception of Bokuto-san, who is not human, and Hinata, who somehow got eternal life batteries. Even Nishinoya-san, Tanaka-san, and Nekoma’s Yamamoto-san look utterly wiped out, which is a blessing, as far as Tsukishima is concerned.

He’s tired in more ways than one. Sleep will help him recover physically, peace and quiet will do the rest… but peace and quiet don’t tend to last long among this crowd, no matter how tired they are.

"Gyahahahahaha—Yakkun, that burned even me! Bokuto! Bokuto did you hear–"

"Yaku-san! SO MEAN! You didn’t have to say it like that!"

"IF YOUR RECEIVES ARE CRAPPIER THAN A BADLY PUT TOGETHER IKEA SHELF, THEN I’M DAMN WELL GOING TO TELL YOU EXACTLY THAT IN THOSE _VERY_ WORDS AND IN EVERY OTHER WAY I _DAMN WELL_ PLEASE, DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU IDIOTIC FIRST YEAR."  

There. Case in point.

They all get very loud when it comes to volleyball, and they’re _all_ about volleyball, all the time. Tsukishima can’t consider a ball as a worship-worthy subject, he just doesn’t have it in him. They all look at him like he’s weird for not getting it, but aren’t they the incomprehensible ones? It’s just a sport. It’s _just club activities_. In the grand scheme of things, none of this will matter much at all.

He has checked and rechecked every angle of this whole situation, he’s been as impartial and logical a possible when looking at it. He’s taken everything into account and come up with the same result every time. The logic is correct. It’s absurd to invest so much of oneself into something so fleeting and inconsequential, and they’re all fools for not treating it as such.

Tsukishima is _not wrong_. He’s not.

His thoughts are interrupted by a bony elbow poking into his side with quite a bit more strength than necessary, _ow_. "Oi, Tsukishima. Your eyebrows are doing the thing," Tanaka-san warns him absentmindedly as he grabs his soup bowl to start drinking it, as if it’s obvious what he’s referring to.

"The thing?"   

Yamaguchi then looks up from his own soup to inspect Tsukishima’s face. "Ah. It’s true," comes the expert opinion.

Tsukishima clicks his tongue, annoyed. "What thing? Being there?" he turns back to his food, not willing to let them annoy him before he’s even reached dessert. "That’s what eyebrows do, Tanaka-san, Yamaguchi."

That has Tanaka-san slamming down his bowl and then slapping Tsukishima’s back with a roaring laugh, almost sending Tsukishima’s face into his noodles. "BWAHAHA! That’s what eyebrows do, huh. Hahahaha. Oh man. You’re lucky I think you’re so funny, first-year."  

"Thank… you?" Tsukishima coughs out between slaps on his back. It feels more like the punishment it probably is.

"So what’s got you all frowny and quiet?"  

"Ah, Tanaka-san, now is, maybe not—"

"Nothing? It’s just my normal face? I’m tired from practice, though."

"Huuuh…" Tanaka-san inspects his face with narrowed eyes, then leans back on his chair with a shake of his head. "I’m not buying it. Are you buying it, Yamaguchi?"  

"Eh? Me? Huh?"

"See, even Yamaguchi isn’t buying it."

"But I didn’t—"  

"Shut up, Yamaguchi." He ignores the squeaky "sorry, Tsukki!" as Yamaguchi thankfully excuses himself from the line of fire by leaning over his food and looking very busy eating it. Tsukishima just focuses on Tanaka-san, who is watching him with an unusual serious look in his eyes while chewing slowly. "Well, while I’m not ‘all frowny and stuff’, as Tanaka-san put it, there _was_ something I wanted to ask you. Senpai."

Which has the predictable effect of making Tanaka-san straighten up from his careless sprawl on the seat and even the air around him seems to start sparkling. Clearly, being called senpai hasn’t lost its charm to Tanaka-san and he’s just as pleased as ever.

"Oh ho! A question for your senpai, I see! Of course, of course! Ask away, I’ll definitely help you! Because I’m your senpai! Hehe!"

Is he glowing? He looks like he’s glowing.

"Right. It was something Ennoshita-san mentioned earlier. About how I should talk to you about, hmm, thinking too much? I’m not sure what he meant."

"Ah, I see. _That_ , huh." Crossing his arms over his chest, Tanaka-san tilts his head to the side, brows furrowed. "I don’t know why he’d mention that to you, of all people? My thing and your thing are just so not the same thing, you know?"

Oh, the eloquence. "What do you mean?"

"It’s probably about that time our old captain talked to me. The captain before Daichi-san, you know? When I got to Karasuno my first year, I was a little, heh," he smirked, teeth showing, but rubbed his nose what seemed a little like embarrassment, "I was stirring a bit too much trouble. You know how it is, someone tells you something stupid to your face, pisses you off, you crack their head on the pavement—"

"You _what_?" Yamaguchi blurts out, accidentally revealing how he’d been attentively following the conversation. "Um, nothing, sorry."  

So Tanaka-san was a delinquent at one point. Tsukishima is actually a bit surprised—Tanaka-san is a little rough around the edges, quick to pick a verbal fight with an opponent, and he does look the part, but Tsukishima has never believed him to be anything but harmless and (mostly) responsible… if slightly prone to not studying enough.

"Don’t you two look at me like that, it’s not what you’re thinking. I never got into trouble at school, it was all outside. And I never skipped classes or did any shady business, you hear!"    

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi murmur their assent and that seems to calm down Tanaka-san, who gives up on his food and sets aside his tray to just look at Tsukishima as he continues. "Anyway, I was going wild a bit too often at the tiniest thing. A lot of guys from other schools walk by here on their way home after club activities, and there were some from my old school too, and they wouldn’t keep their mouths shut. About me, about the team, about volleyball—calling volleyball _lame_ , can you believe these idiots—so yeah. One word and BAM, off I went. No control at all. Sometimes they weren’t even trying to provoke me, I guess, but I went for it anyway. And one time things got a little out of hand and um, I was a little beaten up."

People all around them are finishing dinner and leaving, but Tanaka-san just continues speaking, just acknowledging Daichi-san’s ‘don’t take too long’ on the way out with a nod.

"So Kurokawa-san, that was our captain, he said, ‘I don’t know what kinda thinking you think you’re doing with your fists, but it’s not working out too well, is it’ with that scary look he always got when he was scolding us, I think Daichi-san learned his from him actually— anyway, he said, ‘I don’t know if you’re trying to prove you’re tough or better than them or something, but you’re just being stupid. People are gonna hear about what you’re doing outside, or you’re gonna get seriously hurt, and then you’re gonna be off the team. And it’s going to be a damn shame, because you’re good and they’re just trying to mess with you for fun. You’d get that, if ya’d only stop to think before you start shit. I want ya to start doing that. Think. And then think again. And then think some more. Before you do shit’, he said. And then that I better do it because next time he was going to kick my ass himself, and then kick me off the team, because good old Kurokawa-san was just that type when you got him going."

He leans back with a satisfied look on his face. "So, yeah, that was it. I don’t really get why Ennoshita would want you to know about this, though. If anything, you think too much."

Tsukishima nods. "That’s what he said."

"Makes even less sense to me, then. But hey, I guess you can take away one thing from this."

"Not to go around beating up people?" Yamaguchi pipes up, because he’s cheeky like that.

Tanaka-san reaches up and tugs playfully on a bit of Yamaguchi’s hair, making him laugh as he tries to shrug away the hand. "No, dumbass. It’s that when you get too deep into shit and can’t see anything but brown everywhere—can’t see shit, get it—"

Tsukishima scowls. "Well, that was unnecessarily graphic—"

"When you don’t have a damn clue what you’re doing, you can trust your teammates to pull you out. Eventually. Maybe after roughing you up a bit themselves to make you listen."

Ah. So that had happened.   

"Sometimes the simplest things don’t get through your skull, so someone else has to push them for you. And hey, that works out for people who don’t think enough and people who think too much, right? Maybe that’s what Chikara meant."

"I guess," Tsukishima hums, and then his stomach decides it’s the perfect time to interrupt and growls like a beast from the deep.

That has all three of them focusing back on their food at last.  

"Gaaaah, it’s cold!"  

**

When Tsukishima goes to bed, tired to his bones, he’s thankfully asleep almost before he even hits the futon.

**

The third day of training camp starts with Nishinoya-san and Tanaka-san running around shirtless with a makeshift flag apparently made of a mop and boxer briefs and claiming ALL THE GROUND WE NOW TREAD ON IS KARASUNO COUNTRY, as you do.

**

Tsukishima had been hoping for just another day of practice, practice, practice, but people just keep. Saying things. And talking to him. And being annoyingly pumped up for no reason around him.

It feels like he’s been harassed all day. And then Bokuto-san comes calling for him again. As if that in itself wasn't enough, Hinata has to be there when it happens and immediately starts criticizing Tsukishima. _You know Fukurodani’s ace? How could you refuse! What a waste!_

Tsukishima ruthlessly pushes down his urge to snap back at him and contents himself with a sneer. But then there's Tanaka-san, discussing how they're going to go about their extra practice and casually including Tsukishima like _, of course_ Tsukishima is going to stay behind with them and practice some more. Maybe it's the nagging he was exposed to all day, the constant social interaction since the training camp began, or maybe just Tanaka-san's misguided assumptions by themselves are enough, but the dam overflows and for a brief second Tsukishima sees red, because _how dare he_.

But it's just a second. Tsukishima has never been able to hold onto the extremes of his emotions. It's a second and then gone, and Tsukishima is just back down to being extremely pissed off.

But he'll take care of it. He'll deal with it like he always does, and there's no need to let anyone else know. So Tsukishima holds it all in, keeps his body language easy and loose, and just leaves the gym with a scowl on his face.

**

These people. Tsukishima doesn't understand them. Don't they know how useless it is to struggle? When they inevitably lose and get kicked out of the championship all this effort they're making now is only going to make them suffer more. They’ve already gotten a taste of it at the hands of Oikawa and Aoba Johsai. Later, all they’re going to think is ‘look at all this time and effort I wasted’. Isn't that obvious to them? Isn’t it obvious to everyone?

_Tsukishima is not wrong._

It's not his place to tell them to knock it off, though. If they want to kill themselves practicing and cry that much harder later, let them. It's annoying to watch, but whatever.

Maybe they're masochists.

Ugh. Now he needs brain bleach. He did _not_ need to think about what kind of porn these guys watch.

**

Tsukishima stalks away from the second gym with a headache pounding at his temples. His footsteps are loud in the quiet of the night but his heartbeat in his ears is louder. The palms of his hands sting as he forces the nails into the flesh, his knuckles turning white. _Calm down, calm down, calm DOWN,_ he tells himself.

But they’re all idiots. Absolute idiots. The _sheer stupidity_ of their actions is so large no words could possibly encompass them and Tsukishima wants to strangle every single one of them. Tsukishima wants to _scream_ . How can people be _so incredibly idiotic._

Ugh. He hates feeling like this. He hates it. It's tiring and uncomfortable and there's no way to channel it into anything else. Tsukishima hates, hates, _hates_ feeling like this. He’s losing it. How uncool, damn.

So he settles down. His steps slow, slow, slow, until he stops walking. His breathing is carefully controlled, in and out, in and out. He tries to focus on something else, anything else... like his new oviraptor model. Yes. He has to set it up the next weekend. All the little pieces, he’ll probably have to sort them into categories before he starts… and buy more glue, he’s almost out...

His heart rate slowly subsides to its usual calm pace, the headache retreats a little in its intensity, and Tsukishima breathes out slowly, feeling the burning frustration slowly simmer down until it's almost gone. He squashes his lingering wild emotions without mercy until they quiet down and he's himself once again. There.

Tsukishima lets out a small sigh. Now he just has to keep his mind in this neutral state until he goes to bed, avoid any and all weird thoughts, and tomorrow he’ll be back to normal.

That's when rapid footsteps sound behind him and suddenly Yamaguchi is all up in his face.

**

This entire argument? Tsukishima never saw it coming. He really didn’t.

(Later, after everything is over, Tsukishima will be surprised Yamaguchi didn't blow up at him sooner.)

Meek, quiet Yamaguchi is yelling at him, about 5 centimeters away from his face and firing back at everything Tsukishima throws at him. Yamaguchi doesn’t stop, doesn’t apologize, and doesn’t hesitate. In the middle of the heat of it, somewhere in the back of his head Tsukishima almost doesn’t recognize his best friend.

The fists in his shirt and the fierceness right up in his face almost seem to belong to someone else.

"WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED THAN PRIDE?" Yamaguchi roars at the end of an increasingly irate speech, anger vibrating off of his every pore.

Yamaguchi is trembling, but his fists are locked securely on Tsukishima's shirt and pressing uncomfortably against his chest - on purpose. Yamaguchi almost looks like he's about to cry, but he keeps glaring into Tsukishima's eyes, and though his knees quake, he doesn't move one inch. Yamaguchi will not back down.

Man. He's so fucking cool.

Tsukishima never once expected to think such a thing about Yamaguchi one day, but here it is.

But more than that, what Yamaguchi is actually saying…

All this time, Tsukishima has been looking at things from a realistic point of view. He is not wrong. In the grand scheme of things, their club activities and how far they get there will not amount to much of anything. That is just reality.

And there is no escaping reality. There are no odds to be beat or reward to achieve through hard work. As they walk this road, there is nothing ahead. Like in Tsukishima’s mind, there is just darkness. Nothing will be achieved no matter how much they struggle and fight and suffer. So why make it more difficult?

...why choose this at all? Why play volleyball?

Why did Tsukishima even come to Karasuno?

It had been very difficult for Tsukishima to still pursue this, knowing how things stood. He had walked with eyes open into this nothingness. And now, looking into Yamaguchi’s watering eyes, Tsukishima forces himself to confront his reasons for it.

Had he… been hoping to find something? Some meaning? Or maybe closure, because of the whole thing with Akiteru?

Or had he been looking, all this time, for a different way of looking at reality? A new point of view besides his old and tired one, that showed Tsukishima what he’d been doing all this time, that explained why all these people around him behaved the way they did, that opened a new path ahead…?

_What more do you need than pride?_

And just like that, a little puzzle piece that had been awkwardly niggling about for a place to stay fits into place in Tsukishima's mind, and at least one thing finally becomes clear.

It's like an entire new avenue just lights up in Tsukishima’s head, showing a newly-carved path that branches off in a new direction.  

Tsukishima has never seen the point of moving forward. There's nothing ahead. Even if he wanted to try, he just can't. The abyss has always been there, cutting off any possible routes. Alternative paths, more options, a way for Tsukishima to wiggle around and find a way through—they had simply not existed.

What could be so powerful about things like volleyball that would get people behaving this way? And could it be powerful enough to get Tsukishima moving? No, there’s no way any kind of motivating thought would be enough. There was _no path_ for Tsukishima to tread.  

And now, shining in his mind like it's always been there, there is one: a glimmer of a new perspective.

Motivation? Fuck motivation. Fuck the end goal. That's not what Yamaguchi is talking about. He's talking about standing your ground, right here, right now, and showing you’re not a coward or some idiot with no clue what he's doing. Win or lose, screw that, don’t bring such complicated thoughts into this, are you stupid? Motivation, reasons, courage, what?

What more do you need than pride?

_Yamaguchi has changed, huh._

"When did you become so cool?"

**

The next day, the way forward is still not clear to him, but his mind feels open and new like a field after the rain.

They're playing against Fukurodani, and during a break coach Ukai instructs them. "Even if you're not able to stop number four's spikes, at least try to touch them."

And maybe it's all the lightness he feels inside, but Tsukishima finds himself blurting out the words. "We don't have to stop it?" There's a distinct tone of _Is that all you need me to do?_ to it, almost like he's willing to try to go beyond that, and he knows everyone can hear it. And if he didn't know, the way everyone turns back to stare at him in shock surely would have clued him in.

Next to him, Yamaguchi's eyes had whipped up to widen at him, and he breathes a small "whoa" apparently without even noticing.

Coach Ukai definitely doesn't miss it either, because his lips are helplessly drawn into a toothy, surprised grin. "Well... if you're actually able to shut the ball out, there's nothing better."

So that's all he has to do. It doesn't sound beyond his capabilities. Total block outs are hard, but chances are he’ll manage at least one. Tsukishima nods and settles back down. He can work with this.

**

"Tsukki."

"What."

"That's an interesting look on your face."

"Shut up, Yamaguchi, it's just my face."

"Right, right. Sorry, Tsukki!"

**

People keep having to spell things out for Tsukishima and it’s pathetic. But he still finds himself asking Kuroo-san later: "Before, when I asked, it was mostly Bokuto-san who answered. What about you, Kuroo-san?"

That seems to catch him off-guard, because he just blinks back at Tsukishima for a few seconds. He hesitates, looking away, then sighs explosively and runs a hand through his wild hair as he turns back to Tsukishima. "Okay, can I be really blunt? It sounds like this is important so I want to give you a proper answer. Not that it’s going to be all that different from Bokuto’s, really, or I’d have said something back there as well. But you want it in my own words, right? I’ll be really blunt."

"I don’t think I’ve ever given you the impression that I’m incapable of handling bluntness?"

That gets him a huge smirk. "Oh ho?" Then Kuroo-san schools his expression back into a serious one, staring right into Tsukishima’s face. "I think you're an idiot."

There’s being blunt, and then there’s calling people names, and Kuroo-san apparently doesn’t know the difference. But he continues with no hesitation, "It's not your fault, though."

 _Why, that makes it so much better, thank you._ Tsukishima can’t stop his eyebrow from twitching with indignation. But Kuroo-san is not done.

"Honestly. What is so complicated about doing your best at something you enjoy?"

Tsukishima feels a pinprick of annoyance. "It's not that simple."

"It _is_ that simple. Regardless of what the end result turns out to be, people try their best and surpass it while doing something they like. It's the most natural thing in the world. Don't you enjoy playing volleyball?"

"I... don't know," Tsukishima says as he remembers Bokuto-san asking the very same question. Tsukishima's answer then had been a firm "no". _Isn't that because you suck at it?_ Bokuto-san had said, blunt like a knife to the chest.

"Iiiidiot," Kuroo-san draws, and flicks a finger against Tsukishima's forehead. "Yes you do. Don't you even know yourself?"

Tsukishima eyes Kuroo-san cautiously, uncertain.

"The Tsukki I know would never keep at something for this long if he didn't enjoy it."

"You've barely known me for three days."

"Don't sweat the small details, Tsukki!"

"It's not a small detail..." _And don’t call me that._

Kuroo-san ignores him. "I realized this some time ago. People who never got into a sport usually look at us and our endless practicing and our desperation to win and they just don't get it. We, ourselves, don’t ever really stop to think about it, I don’t think. Like Bokuto said, there’s a feeling, and we chase it. I doubt many of us ever put it into words and organize it into a proper reason and stuff. We’re simple idiots like that."

Kuroo-san smiles at him. "To others, it may look like we’re doing all this for no reason, but that's not true. Of course there is. We all keep doing this for a reason. What do you think it is?"

"If you say something cheesy I'm leaving."

Kuroo-san laughs. "We do it because it's _fun_. It’s satisfying, and it’s fun. I'm sure different people have different aspects they enjoy more, but that's what it boils down to. It's fun."

Tsukishima frowns down at his intertwined fingers, feeling the urge to argue. Fun?

What's fun about any of it? Running and jumping until you drop, crying snot and tears in public, trying desperately and getting shut down by someone stronger? That's fun? All this stress and despair?

Having a veritable canyon standing in your way? This is fun?

But Kuroo-san is eyeing him like he knows what Tsukishima is thinking, a smirk pulling at the corner of his lips.

"Yes, fun. You, though. You're funny. It's like you've been keeping all this at arm's length, so it doesn't affect you. It’s like you don’t want the fun part of volleyball to reel you in. But it already did – you're still here, still playing. You're clearly so torn up about this that you even asked someone about it, and you don’t really ever do that, do you? You cool glasses guy, you." Tsukishima looks down and away, fingers still and tense around each other. "You keep thinking about it over and over and over, and I have a feeling you usually just drop troublesome things. But not volleyball. The one thing you couldn't let go. So you chased it all the way to Karasuno."

Tsukishima's head snaps up, scowl ready and acid words on his tongue, but Kuroo-san's dark eyes, calm and implacable, stop him. "Am I wrong? I don’t think I am, but what the hell do I know. So you have to tell me. Am I wrong?"

Tsukishima's tongue is lead.

That earns him a toothy smirk, and just like that the stern captain face drops and Kuroo-san is just Kuroo-san again. "I think the truth is, in your own way, you're just as much of a volleyball idiot as any of us."

**

_Volleyball idiot._

After that, Tsukishima’s face kept contorting into a scowl of disgust until he was finally dismissed from extra practice with a cheery wave and an enthusiastic shout of "COME BACK TOMORROW TSUKKI" from Bokuto-san.

It’s funny. Tsukishima doesn’t feel insulted. Kuroo-san made perfect sense. It was even, dare he say it, helpful. It helped Tsukishima put some more words to the things he’s thinking about, and sounded about right.

 _That’s_ what pisses him off.

**

Practice goes well.

They lose almost all of the matches, of course, but it goes well. Every time, the other teams take a little longer to score, have to resort to less and less ideal plays to get the ball on the floor, and have to put slightly more effort into defending to keep Karasuno from scoring. They still manage, in the end, but it’s steadily getting harder.

Tsukishima sees it and makes a mental note about it, which is not unusual, but there’s an accompanying feeling of… something, which _is_. Satisfaction, maybe? Something like that.

His teammates’ calls and encouragements sound less like white noise, and Tsukishima finds himself acknowledging them almost sincerely. That gets him an approving smile from Sugawara-san.

He might even get a little carried away with it, because later he goes to his vice-captain with a question. About technique. Tsukishima is almost surprised at himself.

Sugawara-san is so happy to have Tsukishima show actual interest, he gets a little enthusiastic.

"You want to steal the keys?! You could just wait for tomorrow to show him the video!" Azumane-san seems incredibly alarmed. Tsukishima can’t say he doesn’t sympathize. He's feeling quite alarmed himself.

"Tsukishima wants to understand this. _Tsukishima_ , Asahi! Anyway we’ll just temporarily relocate the keys..."

"I-I don’t think Daichi would want you to do that..."

Sugawara-san smiles winsomely and pats Azumane-san’s bicep. "What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right?"

"Suga, no."

They don’t steal the keys.

Sugawara-san just explains what Tsukishima wanted to know in a normal way, Azumane-san frets at Sugawara-san’s pouting in the background, and after Tsukishima gets it, they all go to bed without any problems.

Clearly, showing too much interest has its own risks. Tsukishima’s not sure he wants to try that again.

**

After the developments in the last few days, it’s only fitting that when Tsukishima arrives home, his older brother has returned as well. This thing that is the beginning of Tsukishima’s character development, it has some loose ends that need to be tied. If his life were a book, that is. Narrative neatness.

So, Tsukishima comes home, and Akiteru's there.

There are a lot of things Tsukishima has never told Yamaguchi about, vaguely-worried-eyebrows or not. Like that yes, Akiteru had lied, but more than that, Tsukishima had been stupid. Tsukishima had been so very stupid. The lie was told for Tsukishima’s sake and it only worked because Tsukishima allowed it. It’s only common sense—in middle school, Akiteru had been a big fish in a small pond. Once he moved up into high school of course, _of course_ things wouldn’t be the same. But Tsukishima had wanted to _believe_. He’d gone to his brother, all shiny-eyed and excited to hear about his victories and his glory on the court, like the naive idiot Tsukishima was. And so Akiteru had lied.

A close friend of Akiteru’s had even tried talking to Tsukishima, at one point, believing the rift that had come and still remained between Tsukishima and his brother was due to feelings of betrayal on Tsukishima’s part, or an inability to forgive. It really wasn’t anything like that.

It’s just that Tsukishima _hates_ feeling stupid.

"It's been so long since I've talked to you."

"Has it?" is what Tsukishima says, because he honestly he has no idea what else he _can_ say that wouldn’t lead to an epic fight of the icy and silent kind, which is the only kind of fight the Tsukishimas know how to have.

"Even when I come home, other than when we're eating, you just stay in your room." Akiteru has always been a fan of subtle approaches. Tsukishima is almost impressed how many things he just implied with that single sentence.

"Do I?" is what he goes for again, because if they’re going to talk about this, and it seems like they are, then he’s going to keep his cool and be a little difficult. It’s not entirely on purpose. More because Tsukishima doesn’t know how to _be_ any other way.

But thinking back on it, he realizes that yes, Akiteru’s right. Tsukishima has practically never seen his brother again since… _that..._ happened.

Tsukishima hasn’t been doing it entirely on purpose. The first couple of months, yes, absolutely, Tsukishima avoided even meeting him in the bathroom. But he got over that quickly. He buried what anger he felt, forgave Akiteru what little he had to forgive, and went about things as normal. Just with no real reason to talk to his brother anymore. And having to be reminded of his own colossal stupidity every time he looked at Akiteru’s face hadn’t exactly been an incentive in that direction.

So, Tsukishima had ended up staying in his room and never seeing his brother again. Until now. Huh.

Some more words are exchanged, Tsukishima isn’t really paying attention. He’s still a little hesitant, but he’s ready for this conversation now. So he steels himself and asks, "You're still playing volleyball, aren't you?"

Akiteru’s back tenses. He keeps hitting the ball to the basketball hoop. "Yeah, I'm on a team."

"Do you guys have tournaments?"

"Yeah, we do." And then, because Akiteru likes the subtle approach, but he likes going against expectations more, he comes right out with it: "You want to know why I'm still playing after what happened in high school, right?"

Tsukishima's chest tightens a bit. He knows his face is doing something weird, so he keeps looking down. Akiteru doesn't even look at him as he goes to fetch the ball that is rolling away again.

Tsukishima really wants to know why. It never made sense to him before. But he has a feeling he might understand it now, or come close to it.

"... _because_ of what happened in high school."

Tsukishima stares down blankly. _Because_ of what happened in high school, Akiteru joined another team after he graduated and kept playing volleyball.

Tsukishima’s stupidity had been partially to blame for the whole mess. When he’d heard from their mother about how Akiteru had joined a team again, he’d felt confused, but also a little relieved. _I’m glad I didn’t totally destroy volleyball for Akiteru_ , that kind of feeling.

**

Around that time, Yamaguchi walked around with his vaguely-worried eyebrows for a week until eventually he came out with it on their way home one day.

"Tsukki, you know… about your brother..." he’d said, eyes glued to the ground and hands tightening on the plastic bags from the combini he was carrying.

Tsukishima’s glare had been ineffective at making him shut up.

"It could have happened to anyone."

"It happened to _me_."

"Actually I think most of it happened to him. But yeah. You’re part of the "anyone" bit. You’re not actually immune to common-people-things happening to you."

"Shut up, Yamaguchi."

"You’re not stupid..."

"Shut _up_ , Yamaguchi."

"...or anything else you might be thinking. It was not your fault. And I think… I _think…_ that he lied mostly for himself, rather than because of you. So it wasn’t your fault. And if you ask your brother, I’m sure he’ll tell you the same."

And that had been that, probably because Yamaguchi had sensed Tsukishima had been about to hit the limit of his tolerance.

**

Now, all this time later, Tsukishima is looking at Akiteru’s grin as he talks about volleyball and his team again, and he’s starting to think Yamaguchi might have been right.

"Even now, when I think back on it, it's seriously frustrating, and I can't even think of it as a good experience," Akiteru continues. "Not to mention, you ended up seeing how pathetic I was. I didn't do anything in high school. I didn't get to experience any of the good things in volleyball." He grins at Tsukishima. It doesn’t even look forced. "But I'd already found out how great it feels to get a spike in, the pride you feel when you hear the cheers..."

And Tsukishima hears Bokuto-san again, _it all depends on if you have that moment or not_.

"I want to be in a place where I can do my best until I'm satisfied."

_We do it because it's fun. It’s satisfying, and it’s fun._

_Click, click, click, tack!_ , go the puzzle pieces in Tsukishima’s brain, and there’s a sense of finality as all the little pieces he’s been unsuccessfully trying to mash together all this time lock into place.

There’s an abyss in Tsukishima’s mind. And to his left there’s a road, sloping gently downwards, then veering towards the cliff and smoothly going down, down, down to the very bottom. And then it rises up again on the other side, until it reaches the top. There are lanterns at spaced intervals, illuminating everything from start to finish, a line of light that connects both sides.

"Right... I see."

And for the first time in a long time, Tsukishima _does_.

**  

No matter how high you climb, there’s always someone better. Even if you are able to show some results somewhere, you’ll never actually be number one. You’re going to lose somewhere. And some things, like high school volleyball, are irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. All of that is still true.

It's just not everything.

Relevance has nothing to do with what you want to do. Loss gives meaning to victory.

And yes, there is ALWAYS someone better: this doesn't apply just to Tsukishima, it holds true for absolutely everyone. Even the person who is currently the best. And whoever becomes the best after that. And after.

So it's not really a matter of getting first place, is it? It's about trying to get there. Having fun destroying everyone you can. Doing it for no reason other than because you can, and you like it, and _you want to._

**

So after, when Tsukishima gets back to his room, he grabs the damn Parasaurolophos. Looks at it from every angle, turns it upside down, tests its balance. The figurine is subjected to a few more intense moments of observation. Tsukishima narrows his eyes at it, hums, then grabs some tape.

The next morning, Tsukishima leaves the room and the Parasaurolophos figure stands up on the desk, proudly on its own feet.

 

**[THE END]**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The crowd roars. Cries of "ITACHIYAMA! ITACHIYAMA! ITACHIYAMA!" fill the space so absolutely that nothing else is allowed, and they can probably be heard around the gym for miles. The match hasn't even started, and they already drown out any possible cheer for Karasuno.

And a considerable number of people have showed up to cheer for them. Not just other Karasuno students, but their friends in other teams have come as well to cheer for Karasuno as they battle it out with Itachiyama for victory in the final match. There's quite a large section of the stands covered in black and orange, but they're dwarfed by the huge amount of people wearing Itachiyama colours.

It's not just the supporters that are hopelessly outmatched. Tsukishima stares across the net and observes their last opponent.

Itachiyama's defense is top-notch, and there isn't even one player that can be singled out as having less skill in that area. Their third-year libero is no Nishinoya-san, but he's steady and reliable and makes up for his lack of miracle saves with experience. Something similar can be said for their main setter—not extraordinary, but relentlessly competent. He's exactly what his team needs, when they need it, and he's gifted with incredibly good judgement. He makes splendid use of the spikers. And the spikers don't disappoint: they make very few mistakes, and their hits are steadily strong and fast. A couple of the players can angle the hits in tricky ways too, making them hard to read. Even without their ace, Itachiyama would be a fearsome opponent.

And then there's Sakusa, of course, Itachiyama's ace. Extremely strong spikes, more than occasionally angled so tightly they could be vertical. Strong in all areas, but especially comitted to scoring. The team clearly counts on him to score. And he delivers. Unfailingly.

Tsukishima almost chuckles to himself. Karasuno is like an ant going up against a giant. They have defeated every single team until now, yes. But this looks like maybe the crows are about to take a peck at something bigger than they can strike down.

~

Years later, after high school and volleyball and everything is over, Tsukishima will happen to run into Oikawa from Aoba Johsai, and Tsukishima will try very hard not to have a deep conversation about their wild sportsy days.

"There's always someone better," Tsukishima will find himself saying anyway.

~

Itachiyama is the favourite to win the championship, and it's very obvious why.

_Little to no chance of winning, huh._

But, well. All of Tsukishima's homework is done. He's finished the book he's been reading. No more matches to play after this. So it's not like Tsukishima has anything better to do, really.

Might as well let loose, right? No need to hold back or anything.

Tsukishima looks across the net, meets the eyes of Itachiyama's first year middle blocker, who is shifting restlessly from foot to foot. Tsukishima lets the smirk spread across his face. "Nervous, are we?" he murmurs lowly, so only that player can hear. "Don't worry, we'll go easy on you, if you like."

The first year goes tense as a tightly drawn wire and scowls in utmost disgust, face red with outrage. Tsukishima's smirk widens, and the referee's whistle echoes stridently across the gym. Match start.

_Time to have some fun._

~

"Yeah," Oikawa will agree, pushing his stylish sunglasses up his nose, " _Fuck_ that guy."

And Tsukishima's lips will curve slowly, slowly, into a wicked smile, baring teeth.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'm C. Thank you for reading!
> 
> The common interpretation (and maybe it's actually canon?) of why Tsukishima acts the way he does seems to be that he consciously decides "no, I'm not going to put that much effort into it. I could if I really tried, of course I could!, but I won't because of reasons/it's annoying/there's no point". Which, fair enough, I suppose.
> 
> But I wondered, "what if it's not that simple? What if Tsukishima doesn't put in 100%, not because he won't, but because he _can't?_ " And so I thought I'd try writing something like that, while trying to keep it as IC as possible. This is the result. 
> 
>  
> 
> I feel like I greatly failed at keeping things IC, the fic doesn't feel very _Tsukishima_ to me, but I did my best, I swear. I am but a smol talentless fangirl, please keep that in mind and forgive the OOC.
> 
> The original idea for this was about twice as long, included the match against Shiratorizawa and ended with Karasuno winning the championship. I actually finished writing that final scene and I might post it eventually. There is nothing I need more than the image of post-victory Tsukishima, standing tall in the middle of the court, slowly raising his clenched fist to the ceiling as the crowd roars. My god. I want that so bad.
> 
> Anyway, I ended up cutting the original idea in half because the purpose of the fic was fulfilled around the time of Yamaguchi's speech--so why keep going? The rest felt kind of superfluous. So I cut it out.
> 
>  
> 
> You'll recognize some of the scenes, which were lifted exactly as they were from canon. Working with those, adding in Tsukishima's perspective, and making them work in this context was really really hard, especially Akiteru's scene. Hopefully my hard work won't go to waste and people will like those parts! XD
> 
> I just hope this story is entertaining enough that it's an enjoyable read. ^^ 
> 
>  
> 
> Once again it's July, and it's last year all over again: my laptop died (again) and I'm unsure about certain important IRL things (again) that might stop me from writing/posting later so I'm in a hurry to post a long fic (AGAIN). Last time it was the Ennoshita fic (which is [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4426553) if you're curious), this time it's Tsukishima, and this time I had pretty much all the same problems I had then, including trouble picking the title. Heh.   
>  So yeah, once again, I'm back with a fic and I'm posting it without getting it looked at by a beta one final time. That means this story could probably be better but I'm out of time to fix it. If you stop typos/weird sentences/awkward flow/etc, please know it's all my fault alone.
> 
>  
> 
> But I did get it beta'ed before, so my thanks to everyone who helped me with that. [memordes](http://memordes.tumblr.com/), I'm so sorry I kept bugging you for so long, thank you so much for all your comments and nitpicking with the grammar and stuff. [thisisahaikyuublog](http://thisisahaikyuublog.tumblr.com/), your extensive commentary, typo spotting, suggestions for better sentences and all your help in general were invaluable and greatly shaped this fic, there are not enough words to thank you. [undertheopensky](https://undertheopensky.tumblr.com/) and [safety-dancer](http://safety-dancer.tumblr.com/), who also looked it over and commented, thank you! You helped me keep my motivation up. ^^ To everyone who looked at this and offered me advice and who I might have forgotten to mention here, THANK YOU! And finally, my thanks to [spotthetitan](http://spotthetitan.tumblr.com/) just for being my friend and supporting me through this. It was a tough trip, haha. \o/
> 
>  
> 
> Shoutout to my tumblr followers for being awesome and always replying to my calls for aid whenever I got stuck somewhere! You guys are the best!
> 
>  
> 
>    
> And now, to finish, my thanks to Furudate-sensei, for the existence of Haikyuu, and to Tsukishima. For being the interesting, crabby asshole he is.


End file.
